Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Something amazing happened to me today. I need to share it. I feel at peace. A different kind of peace than I've ever felt in my life. I've never really had a relationship with God. I've never sat down and talked to Him about myself, my life, or my troubles. Sure, I pray when OTHER people need Him. But never when *I* need him. Since 2007, my life has definitely been a tumultuous roller coaster ride. I was with a guy for 4 years that destroyed every piece of me he possibly could. He destroyed my self-esteem. My relationships. Everything. The past 2 years, I've been in a really emotionally charged, complicated, relationship. And you can't even really call it that. I've made mistakes. I'm not proud of them. My mind has been swimming recently with all that I've experienced. All the failed relationships. The failed friendships. The tears. The heartache. The need and want just to be loved. 100%. No strings attached.

So today, more-so than any other day, I turned it all over to God. And the peace.. that sweet peace, that washed over me once I'd given it all over to Him, is something that I'll never forget. My mind is no longer swimming with how to make people love me. My mind is no longer swimming with how to fix things that are wrong with my life. My mind is no longer swimming with the concern that I'll never be good enough to find my prince charming. I've given it all to Him. He will lead me now. And, I think that is the one piece of my life that I have always been missing.

I find myself in friendships or relationships that do nothing but tear me down. I find myself struggling with so much depression on how to fix the friendships that have gone so terribly wrong. Or how to fix a relationship that is at this point, absolutely lost and not what I need in my life. He has been pulling me to Him more so than I could've ever imagined. I can't help but find myself thankful for the situations and hardships that have lead me to begin this new journey of discovery.

The majority of my life, my friends shoved religion down my throat. Getting mad at me for not following their rules. For not going to bible study or church with them... essentially shunning me. They failed to realize that each person finds God in their own ways. I am not someone that gives into things just because others want me to, ESPECIALLY such a close, personal relationship with God. I am not a perfect woman. I will never be a perfect woman, nor will I ever live a perfect, sin-free life. But finally, at the age of 25, I have realized that the only way to continue to live my life, is to have a relationship with the one who ultimately created me.

The changes going on inside of me are humbling. I feel like I'm rediscovering, or newly discovering, parts of me that have been long gone, or that I never knew existed. I've spent many, many years fighting with myself. Picking apart the pieces of me that I felt were wrong, or ugly. I've spent many many years carrying baggage and heartaches... wondering why I've never been good enough, strong enough, pretty enough. But here, now, in this moment.. I realize that I've ALWAYS been good enough, strong enough, pretty enough... in His eyes. I will never be a perfect woman and I certainly haven't lead a perfect life, nor will I.. But in His eyes, I will always be perfect. And amazing. And I need to grow in my relationship with Him, before I can grow in my personal relationships. He has been hitting me with hurricane force lately, with the situations I've found myself in. He has been talking to me... even when I wasn't listening.

I am humble on my knees tonight.
I have found the piece of me that was missing. Not a man. Or a best friend. Or food. Or a car.
God. and only Him.
It only took 25 years.

I have decided to branch off to a personal blog as well... Please join me on my journey of discovery/rediscovery of myself. My other blog will be located at... http://discoveryfodesiree.blogspot.com.


Polish AMOR said...

I'm very happy for you.. best wishes girl xoxo

Emma Frances said...

What a wonderful post! Finding your relationship with God is amazing! :) Good luck on your journey of rediscovery!

ginanorma said...

Oh my word, this is one of the most beautiful things I've read EVER! Desiree, thank you for sharing your heart with US! What a gift that you shared and that you have come into your own passage...because you are right, the ones that tried to shove things down your throat and the ones that didn't understand that we all come to God in our own way in HIS time are very lost in that way of thinking...You sought and you FOUND, and God loves you perfectly imperfect you are so right! We are all the women at the Well, and God loves and accepts us where we are AT. Just as we ARE. Girl....this is so cool...You are re-meeting a beautiful God, and you are so wise for knowing that real relationship has to start with Him before other relationships can flourish...
Sorry to write a book i'm just so full of joy for you!!!